It is a deep personal matter to write about this guy, this beautiful gay, this charming guy, rather perverse guy, this engaged guy who feeds my desire when I’m in bed about to sleep.

Rationalizing, starting with facts. I chatted with him on Scruff, he had a typical photo, the usual nice torso, not fully frontal, trousers, no face, a quick and uninteresting description. I texted him just because he had written to be engaged, which is always a safe choice to me. He didn’t want to swap face, but was willing to switch soon to whatsapp. The next evening, I was coming back home from volley and I texted him, he was coming home from dinner, we were tired and unsure but in the end he told me to go. The address he gave was rather different from the one he had previously said: typical engaged precaution. I was not completely sure to go, I hadn’t a real clue about his appearance, I haven’t had a shower after training (no hot water), he seemed detached, not passionate. I decided to go anyway out of curiosity more than excitement.

I noticed two surnames on the buzzer, I went upstairs in his posh building and into his all white apartment.

I found the door ajar and he was there, standing in the middle of the living room, with a t-shirt and Adidas joggers. His beauty was breathtaking. Big, tall, secure, sharp, harmonious. Red hair and beard. Blue eyes, as light as thin ice. I thought he was a model, caught in a place prepared for a shooting. I didn’t put my gym bag down because I was waiting for him to tell me to go away. He invited me in and closed the door. We both seemed shy, or better he was shy, I was amazed. Nothing happened till I asked if I had to put my shoes off, he smiled and I did, hoping that shoes were just the appetizer before sex. I hadn’t the foggiest at that time that he was so into feet and that I had just chosen the best appetizer on the menu. What I can’t remember is who started what, I just know that we were caressing our bodies standing there, that he didn’t want to kiss on the mouth, but got horny by being licked on the neck and ears, that when we both had a hard erection he moved to his bedroom: I find always so awkward to have the jeans around the ankles, a full erection and follow someone. He laid on the bed not saying anything. His cock is the only average thing he had in his body: it couldn’t count less. I licked every part of his body, ears, nipples, armpits (with red hair), legs, balls, cock. He lifted his legs against my chest and I started licking his feet: I’m not into feet, or I was not, since now I love them, I need to play with his feet and listen to the pleasure I provoke. I smell them, lick them, suck the fingers. He puts them around my cock or against my ass. I’m totally his and there is not part of his body that I don’t want. Probably the first time I did everything he wanted because he felt weak and I was totally scared that he could change his mind even during sex. Now I feel that I got pleasure from something he taught me and it is part of my sex.

That night I went on the bed next to him and shyly tried to have my cock sucked, but he didn’t. He kneeled on the bed, I went on sucking. I laid down on my back to have his balls into my mouth and finally I moved back and started rimming him. To me surprise, he was totally crazy about it. He told not to stop and he jerked off while I was rimming his ass. I came as soon as I felt his semen on my body.

I went home happy and dazed by the beauty of this encounter, that I judged out of my league. I took the longest road on my cycle just to stay awake longer. And it was nothing yet. The day after I saw him online on scruff and watched his profile, where I read for the first time that he was only top. He texted me immediately, probably noticing that I have seen his profile (it is a feature of the app that really meant something to me), just with a smile. I did the same, unsure of what to do. I tried to talk about sex saying that I was more top too but that I enjoyed to be bottom with him, he replied “that was good, wasn’t it?”, which blew my mind away again. Was he open to meet again? He was. We did. Not once. Not twice. Many times more. Texting and trying to organize even more times.

I do what he wants, every time. I obey. I started asking what he wanted, then I got it and finally I’m the one who desires what he wants. I just desire to be invited, to find the door open, to see his body, making him coming, watching him relaxing, going naked to the bathroom, and still naked coming to the living room with me and saying that words over and over again: see you next time.

I learned to lick and suck his feet, having them on my mouth and face, feeling them around my cock and even again my ass. I always rim him but this is rarely the way he wants to come now. He prefers to come into my mouth, kneeling over me and I learned to have his sperm into my mouth and drink it and go on sucking till he has something. His semen is probably the most bitter I have ever tasted, not so many, not my thing, but I learned to like also his bitterness. I learned to be fucked and it is so good that is cock is just average and I can have him inside of me as long as he wants. He wants me to lay down completely and penetrates me from behind, he presses his body on mine, I sometimes grab his back or his buttocks and push him harder inside. He asks me if I like to be fucked by him and I say he is the only one who is doing it, the only one I want to do it. He asks every time. He learned to kiss me, not too much, not too long, not too deep, but still. He learned to suck me. The day we talked about negative HIV analysis he had my cock into his mouth and I had his sperm into mine. Anal sex is always safe.

He is in my mind. Out of nothing, mostly at night, I happen to think about him, wandering what he is doing, smiling at the thought that he wants me. I do not ever give for granted that he will reply to me or invite me over, even if it has always happened since the first time. Sometimes I check his Instagram profile just to have hints of his life, his spare time, his travels around the work for the fashion industry. One day his profile went private but I didn’t ask to follow him, I don’t want to break our fragile equilibrium. From outside it may not seem fragile, it seems like a settled habit, but it is fragile to me as I still feel that I’m having something beyond my reach.

The last time has been particularly intense: we both lasted longer, we couldn’t decide in which way we wanted to end it. I was about to come jerking off while having his feet into my mouth, but he stopped me, he even bit my shoulder while I was licking his armpits and then stronger my leg after a mutual sucking. He fucked me, then stopped, asked me where I wanted his sperm and I had it all into my mouth. We stayed longer on the bed, talking about sport, minor injuries, childhood, parents, living in the city. We stayed apart, no cuddling, but we got each other.

The day after I texted him the pic of a black-and-blue on my leg thigh, he said sorry, I said I had like it.

Couple of days ago:

• Hey
• 🙂
• I’m free this evening
• I’m having dinner, let’s try later
• 🙂
• 🙂
• Free now?
• May I be honest? I’m not in the mood tonight
• No worries, it happens
• I just broke up with my boyfriend L

The conversion went on and I’ll now share it. I felt surprised that he was open to tell me something so private and upsetting to him. Among everything that I have given to him, I offered my shoulder that night, he said he needed to be alone, but sent a kiss, which is probably the deepest one that we really had.